September 2003

To the Sophomore Class of Bishop Chatard High School - Indianapolis, IN

Good Morning. I am Debby McCalley and I have been asked by Mrs. Schaffner and Sr. Kathleen to speak to you on a couple of topics the first which is family. Now I’m not a professional speaker and I speak very softly so please let me know if I have to speak louder or maybe you would prefer I speak softer so you can get in that much needed morning nap. Either one is fine, just let me know.

Family, what a topic.

It used to be that a family was pretty easy to define, the Mom, the Dad, a couple of kids and maybe the grandparents or a special pet. But these days with so many marriages, divorces and remarriages within some families, many of us find ourselves with stepmothers or fathers and step or half brothers and sisters it sometimes gets complicated. Then, of course families change with each birth or death. It seems that families are constantly being redefined and realigned. The people in our families change too over time. Or maybe we change how we see them. When we were young, our family members were our best friends not to mention the people responsible for our survival. As babies, we were helpless and counted on our families to provide what we needed, food, shelter, attention etc. As we get a little older, things begin to change.

I have a very good friend who is in the second grade at St. Pius. He is an adorable boy with some very definite ideas on a number of topics. His name is Billy Hoffman. Just to give you an idea of who Billy Hoffman is, he told me that for Halloween he is going to be a Ninja with two swords (not just one sword but tow) and he’s going to ride his bike around the neighborhood so he can get the candy faster. What a character! Billy is also very smart and often tells me things I never knew. One time he told me that the leaves on the trees change colors in the fall because the trees are cold blooded. One time I asked Billy who his best friends were and even though he knows plenty of kids from school and from the neighborhood, he rattled off the names of his brothers and sisters. I then asked him when he gets mad ho does he get mad at and predictably, he gave me those same names. I think Billy is right. It seems we go through a stage where our family members are nothing but irritants sent by God to make our lives miserable and embarrass us at every turn.

I grew up with 6 brothers and sisters, all of them younger than me.

My first brother, Mack, was a know it all. We were always in competition and he never quit until he won. When he didn’t win, he kept saying he did just to drive me crazy. Once I got so mad at him that I made a sign with meanest thing I could think of on it and hung it on his door. It said “mack stinks” followed by several exclamation points for emphasis. When my mom saw the sign she said that she understood that I was upset but told me when I write someone’s name the first letter should be capitalized. I told her I knew that but I was so mad that he only deserved small letters. Mack, who by the way was too young to read, remained totally oblivious of the fact he was not awarded a capital letter at the beginning of his name.

My next brother, Danny, was a total “grump”, he didn’t like anything. I remember one day walking outside just after the Department of Transportation had put warning signs in our neighborhood to encourage drivers to reduce their speed and seeing Danny rocking the sign in our yard back and forth trying to take it down. I asked Danny what he was doing and he said the sign was a lie. The sign read slow children and Danny said that the fat kid in the red house was a little slow but the rest of us could beat those guys in a race any day. From that time on, every time the Department of Transportation replaced the slow children sign, Danny had it down in 24 hours.

Timmy was an angelic child. In never remember him crying or fussing, although I’m sure he did. One year, sometime in December when Timmy was about five years old, I remember misplacing a half bottle of my favorite perfume. I knew my sisters hadn’t borrowed it because they were too young and I knew my mother hadn’t borrowed it because she hated the smell (although there was always the possibility that she “accidentally” tossed it) and I was sure either I had done something with it or one of my brothers had broken it and was afraid to tell. Christmas day rolled around and there were what seemed like hundreds of gifts under our tree. There was one gift for me that wasn’t too professionally wrapped and didn’t say who it was from. When I opened the gift, I found the half bottle of my favorite perfume. I looked around the room and Timmy was beaming with joy. That year, all of the family members (except Timmy) opened wonderful gifts that were exact duplicates of things they had been missing in previous weeks. My mother got a lovely little statue and one brother got a 45 record. Although he couldn’t afford to buy presents, Timmy made sure everyone got a gift he knew they would love.

Jody was the cheerleader in the family. She was even a cheerleader here at Chatard. She was beautiful with a quick, ready smile and shiny blue eyes. She was funny, popular and a real joy to be with. The party didn’t start until Jody arrived. She was never very interested in school but knew all of the gossip from the social scene. I clearly remember her doing round off back handsprings everywhere, talking on the phone constantly, loving being in the spotlight, and making everyone laugh or at least smile when they saw her.

Jamie was a quiet child. I see her in family pictures but I hardly remember her being around. She was kind and accepting, silent and unassuming. She had no need to be in the spotlight; in fact, you often forgot she was around. She made no waves, caused no trouble and demanded no attention.

Then there was Jenny. When Jenny was born we were all hoping for a dog but got a sister instead. As you can imagine, being the youngest, she was spoiled rotten but, none the less, the joy of our lives. She was like a real live doll for the girls and the subject of human experiments for the boys (lets see how many times we can poke her before she calls Mom). She was loud, funny, cute and when Jenny was around, everyone knew it.

Now as an adult I look back on this family of brothers and sisters and realize that I have a different perception of who they are.

For example my brother Mack, previously spelled with no capital letters, is one of my closest friends. Because he too is in a wheelchair, we are able to discuss things I can’t talk about with others because he knows just what I’m saying. His little contests were what gave me my strength and perseverance which today I couldn’t survive without. He is a great friend, a trustworthy confidante, a person of great character, and a constant reminder to keep up the persistent fight. I now often spell his name with all capital letters.

Danny, the grump, is one of the most giving people I know. After he makes a trip here from his home in Chicago he probably needs a few days off because he spends most of his time serving those of us in the family who are handicapped. He is always doing yard work, hanging pictures, moving furniture or providing some type of manual labor for those of us who are unable to do it ourselves. In a conversation, Danny once told me that he feels he has the responsibility to care for each of us that are handicapped when we are unable to care for ourselves. He pointed out to me that of the first five children born in our family, he was the only one without Muscular Dystrophy and that God arranged it that way so there would be one person left to care for the others. He is a remarkable man but still refuses to be referred to as “slow”.

Timmy didn’t change much. He is a man of deep faith and still finds no greater jot than making others happy. He is likely the one that makes the highest salary in the family but predictably is ever able to find someone who needs it more and gives his earnings to them. He too has Muscular Dystrophy but has such a manner about him that you never think of him as handicapped. He is a mentor to all who are physically handicapped and when you speak to him, he uncovers the hope and love in your heart.

Jody had a very rough life. Not only did she have Muscular Dystrophy but Multiple Sclerosis as well. She was unable to walk and eventually unable to see, to talk and to eat. She passed away last November and I miss her terribly. I will always remember her beautiful smile and her sparkling eyes. I pray that she is doing round off back handsprings for God and the angels and I can’t wait to see her again.

Jamie, you remember the quiet one. Well not anymore. She has a high position with a national company and runs the Sales Department. She has several people working for her and she directs the operations. She is responsible for more things than I can count and exceeds a remarkable number of goals each year. She is a remarkable leader. Her role in the family changed too. She is the one who plans and hosts most of the family gatherings and is the glue that keeps us together. Who would have ever thought that the quiet child because a creative and very successful leader?

Jenny, the baby, is probably still spoiled. Some things never change. No seriously, Jenny is the one who drops by or checks on me daily to see if I need anything. Without her I would be forced to give up my independence. She makes it possible for me to live in my own home with my daughters because I know I can depend on her to do whatever needs to be done. It must be difficult to always be on call but Jenny does it willingly and without remorse or complaint.

It took me a long time to see the real character in each of my siblings but now each one of them is not only a part of my family but one of my best friends. They are each there in a different way to help me in my journey and I hope that I am helping them in their journey too. I realize God knew what he was doing when he put me in this family and it had nothing to do with irritating or embarrassing me but with making me a better person and preparing me to do his will. I’m glad God didn’t make me an only child all those times I asked him to. He was right. He is always right and my family, just like yours, is an important influence on the person I am.

The first time I realized the importance of my family was when I was in the hospital dealing with some complication from this disease. When I awoke, the faces of most of my brothers and sisters were looking back at me and those that weren’t were on the phone. Each of these people had taken time out of their own lives to be with me when I was having trouble. Who could ask for better friends!!

I have referred to my disease several times and thought you might like to know a little more about it. I have Muscular Dystrophy. It’s a progressive disease, which means it will continue to get worse, where my muscles continue to degenerate until they no longer exist. Without muscles it will be impossible for me to walk, use my arms, hold my head up or even sit up. It also means I will have trouble with my circulation, so cuts will not heal, and I will be very cold most of the time and that my heard and lungs will no longer function properly. In fact, most people with this disease eventually die of respiratory complications or simply can’t get enough air. I got the disease in the eighth grade. Before I got it, I was a pretty good athlete but found my ability to run or jump quickly disappeared. Bt the time I was a sophomore, I had great difficulty climbing stairs and walking long distances. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that the doctors could tell me for certain what was wrong.

As you can imagine, when I found out I cried and prayed to God to take it away. I couldn’t imagine what I had done to deserve this. When the disease didn’t go away, I figured God wasn’t listening and didn’t care about me and I put him and my faith on the shelf and tried to live the rest of my life as best I could.

Several years later, in college, the disease began to worsen and I found I needed a cane and a wheelchair for long distances. I prayed to God again asking him to take this away and let me be normal but after weeks of praying I still had the disease and gave up on God a second time. I put him back on the shelf and muddled through the next several years the best I could feeling very alone and very desperate.

The years went on and I got married and had two beautiful children but shortly after the birth of the second child, I was faced with a divorce. I was terrified but decided to try God one more time but this time I asked for guidance and strength to handle these difficult times. I felt a burden lift off of my shoulders and I realized God had been there all along but I wasn’t asking for the strength, faith and love to handle these trials but for him to remove the trials. It was kind of like Christ in the garden of Gethsemane when he asked God to take the cup from him but then said “your will be done”. What had taken Christ a matter of seconds took me half a lifetime.

It became clear that we all have trials and they are given to us to allow our faith to grow.

God has allowed them for a reason but if we ask he will get us through them and allow us inner peace. When I knew I was going to speak to you guys I asked my friend Billy Hoffman what I should tell you about being in a wheelchair and he said “oh that’s easy.” “Tell them how neat it is getting to sit around and watch TV and play Nintendo because you don’t have to do anything everyone else does it for you.” “And tell them how you can go real fast in your wheelchair and you don’t even have to pedal, that’s so sweet.” You know difficult situations like mind take on a new meaning when you view them from a different perspective.

I mean I do get the best parking at the malls and when to Trojan football team plays for state in the Hoosier dome, I have awesome seats. But beside that I have the best friends in the world because the help me all of the time with no expectation of repayment and I get unique opportunities to speak to a group of students about faith and family.

I know now that I have been blessed with opportunities that I would have never had if I was not handicapped. I know it sounds strange but I’m very happy where I am and feel I am truly fortunate. I do have to say though that I have not done it alone. My family has been by my side through the good times and the bad. My friends too and even you guys. I recognize several faces of people that have held doors for me, picked up things I’ve dropped or have let me go first in lines. They may not take much effort but they are truly appreciated and I thank each of you.

If you have gotten nothing else out of this talk, I pray that you don’t make the same mistakes I did. Make sure you take the time to realize the value of your family, no matter how big, small or unusual and realize each one is an individual who plays an important role in your life. They are the people who will always be there. And make sure that you don’t ever put God on a shelf for a later time. Don’t try to second guess him or to understand why things are as they are because you will drive yourself nuts. Just let him into your life and follow him with faith and love. His will is going to be done and it’s your job to fulfill your role in that plan whatever it is. Remember Jesus said the greatest commands are to love your God and love your neighbor. You won’t do either well if you are concentrating on yourself and what you need and what you want. Rather focus on God’s will and your neighbors needs for that is the only way to love and true happiness which is what we are all ultimately seeking. I thank you for allowing me to be with you today.